Who am I? Online vs. Real Life

I’ve been waking up every morning bright and early, having the time to think about things and ponder over my coffee. Lately, I asked myself this: “Who am I, compared to the person people interact with online? What’s so different between who I am in real life versus who I am online?” To be honest, there isn’t that much of a difference. Sure, I like all the same stuff as I say I do. My interests, passions, goals are all the same. But my personality and confidence levels are different, so to speak. Though, online, I feel much more confident in myself because of a certain reason. The idea that I can hide behind a computer screen, makes me feel safer and much more confident in my words. Not worrying about messing up because I can just delete and start again, thought flow, talking about whatever I want- even if the subject is touchy. In real life, if I mess up and say something wrong or I stumble, stutter, or my voice breaks when I’m talking, I can’t take it back and try again. It’s already out in the open and exposes me as a topic of gossip or hate speech later. When it comes to this, I feel more like myself when I don’t have to think about what I say before actually speaking, or making it sound right in my head. I just say it and fix my mistakes before putting in out in the world. This is where the topic of my confidence comes from. Over the years, things happen to a person which strongly affects them in the long run. Be it any type of negative experience. It all affects them one way or another. For example, when I was younger I used to always speak my mind. No matter what was on it. And that usually got me in trouble because not everything I said was acceptable and that messed with me even after I grew up. I became more closed off and secluded and mainly to myself. I was so full of anxiety that if I spoke up or said what was in my head, I would get in trouble again. Most of it was impulse or sheer adrenaline. Like that feeling where your heart beats so fast, you wonder if this is what hummingbirds feel like on a daily basis. See the thing is, I don’t really have a filter between the thoughts in my head or my mouth. Whatever I think, is whatever comes out. And I stopped apologizing for it. Unless it genuinely hurts a person, of course I’ll apologize, but if it’s something no one else has the balls to speak up and say, I’d just shrug my shoulders and move on. But that’s labeled me as a bitch, or rude, or unapproachable or whatever else you can think of. I am trying to get better, don’t get me wrong. Especially when I want to work in an industry that’s severely customer/client based. But in all honesty, I rather be a truthful loner than a popular liar.

 

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I'm a young adult who doesn't have a filter between my brain and my mouth. My thoughts tend to come alive-constantly- causing my perspective to change quite often. I don't know where I'm going but I know what I'm looking for. Adventure. Magic. Creativity. My words are the sharpest weapon in my arsenal and I am not afraid to use them.

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