This entire year has been heavy on my shoulders. I have not once felt at ease or stress free.
I can’t wait for it to be over already.
At first it started out with me leaving my design school so I can try to pursue something else in the design field, but anything I tried to do didn’t work. So I had to kiss ass in order for them to let me back in. I realized I should just finish my degree with them before doing anything else so thats what I’ve been stuck doing. I have been jobless all year so the thought of moving out into the city has been put on hold yet again, because I do not have the financial netting I need to catch me if I happen to fall.
I’ve been distancing myself from everyone. Being hurt multiple times does that to you. I have stayed by my lonesome quite some time now.. I just wish someone would come along and make an effort to change that. But alas, no luck. Is it really that much to ask for someone to walk into my life and stay to fight for me? There are no efforts being made. All I hear are half-hearted truths and empty promises. I am tired, of it all. I’m tired. Now, if my best friends were to read this, they would argue opposite but this isnt about that. This is about NEW people coming in and making efforts to stay. Anyone I was close to or good friends with completely left and abandoned me (aside from a very select few.) So it’s kind of hard to be convinced of someone staying in my life for so very long.
Moving to a new house isn’t helping all this either. Sure there should be no excuse for me to be distracted while im finishing up my quarter but the idea and process of it all is too much to wrap my head around right now.
As for my mental health, I feel like my overthinking is getting alot worse. My anxiety has been heightened to extremes and I cant seem to be able to focus on anything without panicking over something, anything that comes to mind. Holidays are sad for me because I see everyone enjoying themselves with friends and family but I still feel alone in a crowded room. I take that time to notice things around me and then my overthinking spikes back up.
I need to fix this, fast.
I feel so lost right now, I dont know how to direct myself into an open space. It’s as if the road I am traveling on is growing dangerously narrow by the day and I feel like I’m going straight over the cliff’s edge.