September was supposed to be my month. September marked the start of my favorite season, it marked the month I gain one year of age to those past years, it was supposed to mark the moments in time where I would enjoy the transition to the end of the year and get excited to what’s to come…
It did not do any of what it promised.
Instead, it gave me grief and sorrow. It gave me pain and undesirable feelings I did not want to relive. Whatever happiness it gave me, they were but mere glimpses, that were gone like wisps of smoke in a crisp autumn breeze. – – –
It was near the end of my summer term and I had been working with a group that found it wise (it was no way wise at all!!) to work on the assignments for the class we shared at the very last minute. I did not tolerate that way of doing things at all, especially due to past experiences. So keeping their habits in mind I did what I needed to do, early. And finished everything ahead of time so I didnt need to worry about anything come the day the assignment was due, which was the day of my birthday. Everything was fine up to that day.
The day before my birthday, me and my darling best friend dressed up like circus folk and went about downtown for a spot of lunch and then ran about taking photos in alleyways and in between the grape vines as the sun set. I was having such a blast. I always have so much fun with this heavenly angel and by God I was grateful to have her in my life. -And then began the disperse of those happy feelings.- The only problem with this was that she was leaving that week, moving across the ocean, with her family, to the Philippines. Sure she was gonna visit every once in a while but the thought of not having her near left a hole in my heart, one that I have no idea how to fill back up. I said my farewells that day with a smile on my face despite the sunken feeling in my chest and stomach. I went to sleep dwelling over how much fun i had that day, grateful that I didnt get sick like I thought I was, and went to bed with eagerness to wake up tomorrow and enjoy my birthday.
I did not enjoy my birthday.
The first thing I experienced when I woke up at the sound of my buzzing alarm was a sense of despair and pain, one I have never felt before. Why you ask? Let me tell you what happened. I woke up with a smile on my face, it was my birthday and I was going to be happy. Right? No. I went to check my phone and noticed my group had been conversing last night and completely skeptical about the assignment that was due in a FEW HOURS. I then later found out that the work I had submitted was altered immensely and it was no longer my own for they’ve taken joint credit for the entire assignment. Due to the despair I was carrying prior, when I saw what had happened I had broken down and began bawling my eyes out on the morning of my birthday. At that point, I just wanted to stay home and weep. But I said “fuck it, fuck it all.” And got out of bed. I made a cup of coffee, dolled myself up, put on my birthday dress, and went to school. I was completely infuriated and on the edge of a melt down if anyone approached me negatively. I was very cold and stoic towards my group members and I just remember being disjointed from that whole day.
Later though, I got a text from M (the friend that was leaving) saying she was in the city finishing up a hang out with another friend and said to meet up quickly after I got out of class. I thought I wasnt going to see her but I ran out of the building and caught up with her. I was then surprised to see J another good friend, one I havent seen in ages and I willed myself not to break down in public after explaining the shit day ive been having and how happy it made me see them that day. We were able to snag a few photos and exchange a final hug and farewell before we parted our ways.
Later that week she left.
I still keep up with her doings on social media but my god I miss her so fucking much, I get sad every time I think about it.
For the final, I dropped my group mates and went about it on my own so I could solidify my grade more, for the sake of peace of mind. And my teacher was supportive and I was grateful to have him on my side in this situation.
The rest of the month had been filled with its ups and downs and i am just grateful it’s over now.
Moving on, Ive been on my term break before fall picks up again on october 8th, and ive felt myself falling into a depression. All I have done is sit at home watch my shows or scroll tumblr aimlessly. The weather isnt helping my condition because I despise the heat. Fall is my utmost favorite season and I need it to get cold and gloomy already. Im sick and tired of this bright, sunny, heat-filled, weather. I hate it.