Dear younger me,
Im writing this while recovering from a recent FMF episode. Yeah, I hate to break it to you kid but you’re gonna get sick alot. You have this genetically inherent disease called Familial Mediterranean Fever. It’s a rare disease that basically causes your insides to inflame and leave you in so much pain that you’re immobile for 3-4 days at a time. You will deal with fevers too, but the fevers only happen when you’re younger and the good thing is those go away when you hit your preteen years. At least that’s something, right? The thing that makes this the worst situation ever is that it will hit you at the most random times and there are no symptoms that occur before hand that give you a warning to take extra care not to get sick. Also it’s triggered by stress and staying up late. I know you try your best to do what you can but sometimes it’ll happen anyways and there’s nothing to do about it but endure it. It’s worse when you’re in school. Why? Because of the fact that it’s so rare and no one has heard of it before, that’s why. Some people will actually look it up (bless them) but others will nod and simply write it off as an excuse or a made up story to get out of doing an assignment, or getting an extended date. Just, hang in there. Dealing with this illness is a burden, I know, and ignorant people don’t make it better, but what all of this will teach you is this: Patience. Patience with people, and most importantly, patience with yourself. Some days it may feel like it will be the end, some days it might actually be the end but I beg of you, do not give up. Don’t you dare for one second. Hang in there angel because it will get so much better and you will be proud that you didn’t cave in.
This is only one of the constant obstacles you have to go through, and if you think this is the worst then dear you’re in for a doozy. You will get your heart broken, by your peers, by your friends, and by boys as well. But dont think you didn’t break a few hearts yourself. You need to be more careful with who you give your time and emotions to. Because they can be used against you if the situation allows it. You will be called the weird one for most of your life because you’re the kid with the wild imagination, you’re the kid who bravely voices her thoughts and opinions no matter what. You’re also the kid who cares too much. About everything. About people you dont know, people who hurt you, people who aren’t you. Make sure to take some time to care about yourself because if no one has told you by now, you come first. Yeah I know some people would call it selfish but in this world, if you dont take the time to care about yourself before giving bits and pieces of your heart and time to other people, there will be nothing left to take care of. You will feel the need to become a push over and not know when to say “NO” because you want to feel accepted, you want people to like you and befriend you. Doing that will hurt no one but yourself, learn from my mistakes and please don’t ever sell yourself short. It’s not worth it at all. Sometimes people will take advantage of you and you might tell when that’s happening early enough to stop it, other times you wont. And your mind will start turning against you. You still deal with stage fright and that hate for public speaking, (who doesnt hate that honestly?) And you’ll find yourself desperate for true friends that will actually stick around.
The first friend you’ll loose is in 5th grade, because she moved away but you will reconnect over facebook years later so dont worry! The second friend disappeared in 7th grade and never heard from her since. The third friend.. well they’re 2 in this instance, turned out to be crazier than a sack of potatoes and you ditch them both sophomore year of high school. But life redeemed itself by introducing one of your long term friends that year too so I guess it makes up for the trials and tribulations of the previous friendships. However, you and that friend have a really rocky start, and the road hasn’t been that smooth since then, but you’re doing okay. Junior year, was probably the worst for one major reason. Cancer. Yep, now I know it sounds scary but trust me when I say it’s literally nothing compared to what some people deal with. Yeah you have to go into surgery twice but honestly you recover faster than you think while laughing the whole way. Come the next year, you’d be in the clear. During this year you went on a cruise to Alaska where you met one friend where you’d come to visit time to time, things aren’t too well now since you no longer talk but you’re still friends in some prospect. I know I’m leaving out some instances but ideally most of the good friends you make end up stabbing you in the back or breaking your heart by moving away. It’s tough to deal with but please remember it’s not your fault. Now off to college you meet some people here and there but one girl you befriend makes quite an impact on you and please promise that you will get closer to her and spend time with her when you can, because later on she will move far far away and you will regret all those instances where you could have spent time with her but were too nervous to reach out because you thought she didn’t like you too much. You are so wrong. So please promise me you will hold onto her close. Because after that it’s gonna be a little tough making new friends.
Aside from friends you will have some wild experiences here and there, and yes some include boys. You had your first boyfriend in high school and while that was okay, he did cheat on you in the end but it wasn’t so bad so forgive and forget. Your second boyfriend was a lovely human being who you met while working your job at the mall and you were happy for quite a while, till you decided to break things off, but we don’t regret anything of the time we spent together so it’ll be okay, trust me. Just make sure you dont hurt yourself by holding on, let him go and move on angel. Sure sometimes you wont be able to tell if people like you because they want something or if they actually like you but don’t be afraid to test the waters. You wont know how cold it truly is until you jump in.
You worked two real jobs in your life and the rest of it were volunteer jobs, you worked as a hostess at a restaurant and as a sales rep/ cashier at a retail store. You volunteered at two top tier events in San Francisco and many times at the art center in your new town.
Did I mention we move? You must be wondering, “again?” Yes again. That gives us a total of 4 moves. We spent most of our lives and childhood in Milpitas but come 2015 mom and dad wanted to move, get a bigger house and try something different. So no we live in Livermore, and it will take a few months to get used to but it’s a nice area and you’ll like it. I promise.
However, I want to stress something. When you’re young it wouldn’t seem like a big deal at the time because public transportation but I cannot stress enough, GET YOUR LICENSE! Yeah you heard me. You wanna know why this is the only thing in caps? Because we’re now 23 and still don’t have it. Trust me i’ve tried like 3-4 times and I’ve had rotten luck with it.
Depression and Anxiety will also be a thing we’ll be dealing with. I know it sucks and we’re still trying to deal with it but there hasn’t been too many hard times thus far. Although there are days were we just want to sleep and not do anything at all because everything is falling to dust around us but you have got to hang in there because it’s just a passing storm. I might add though, don’t talk to the school counselor about it because that has the potential to ruin your advancements in college and end up getting you kicked out for a whole year. When that happens, you’ll have to prove yourself before they let you back in but I swear on my soul that it will be worth it and you will do everything you can to just power on through and graduate.
Don’t take yourself for granted and also make sure you thank mom and dad often as well as tell them you love them because you don’t realize how much you actually rely on them till later on.
I think I covered all the bases for now and will probably write to you later on as time passes but I just want you to remember that you are so very loved, by alot of people. And you are important, and kind hearted, fearless, smart, courageous, creative, and so very beautiful.
You’re great kid. Keep exceeding those expectations and never stop shining your light.
Love, your future self,